In The Hands of the Refiner

July 2008

I stayed awake last night after about 0130 AM, just thinking about my situation.  Here I am looking about my home from the cushions from my couch, as my wife lay next to me in a hospital bed furnished by Hospice of the Valley.  I hear the whooshing of the oxygen concentrator as it pumps fresh oxygen into my wife’s lungs at 4 liters per minute or second, whatever it is.  I look about in the semi darkness and hear her labored breathing.  I think about the bills I have to pay, the rent that is very past due, and everything else one thinks about when his wife tells him the hour is near.  We have until July 9th to come up with $2153.76.  We have exhausted various local resources for help.  They are either out of money or ask us to wait a few months.  We can’t wait.  I can’t wait, and my wife and child can’t wait either.  Yes, I was working a job, but when I told them about my wife’s Dream Foundation vacation they approved, they weren’t very happy with it, but approved it.  When I returned from the vacation and told them my wife’s condition has declined since leaving, and that I needed 5 more days to find someone to come into my home to watch her, they weren’t happy about that either.  Above all that, I had to drive 40 miles to work every day.  I loved that position, but it is realistically too far to travel because, a) don’t want to be that far away from my sick wife, b) at $4.30 a gallon I was paying almost $100 a week in gas!  The company wouldn’t compensate for any of the travel.  So now, I am without a job.  I will start looking Monday, for something very close.  I need to find something that will bring in some money.

It is sad, that the state of the financial situation of many people in our country is pretty bad.  For one reason or another, a lot of Americans are robbing peter to pay paul in their life to survive!  I was laid off last May of 2007.  I was on unemployment until the end of November.  I couldn’t get a job until like February.  Things started to fall behind.  I had to take out a couple of loans from Army Emergency Relief (thank God for them!) to catch up.  But, it was only temporary.  I have never really caught up.  Now my rent is due…..it’s July and very hot, and I am NOT going to leave this house!  God must supply ALL of my needs according to His riches in glory!  Why?  Because I believe He will, and I am praying very hard, with tears, as to why He is testing us so!!  With all that is going on, why must we have to go through so much more?  I am feeling like Job again.

What to do, what to do.  The clock ticks the minutes, and hours and the days go by, one by one getting closer to THE day ~ when the rent is due, and when the lights will be turned off, etc., etc.  Life is hard.  For the young out there, it is NOT a cakewalk.  You have no one except family to care ABOUT you, and not always care FOR you.  They have their own responsibilities and expenses.  It isn’t required in the complicated world we live in today.  Oh for the days when several generations would live in one big home, like the Walton’s (sorry for the reference)!!  When we could enjoy our brothers and sisters, and grandparents all under one roof!

Today I look at the icons of Jesus Christ and pray, “Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy upon my family.”  I am threatened of life on the street and no place to stay, and yet my wife says she isn’t going anywhere.  Does she know something I don’t?  I have relatives staying with me from North Carolina, a daughter and granddaughter.  I was so relieved to see them, to have family near and dear, which I have missed so much.  My family is spread all over the country,  Florida, Michigan, California, North Carolina, and Arizona.  Why do families and children want to be so far from each other?  What has society done to these precious relationships?

God wants me to build His church, but then His church starts with my family, then it grows from there.  As a married Orthodox priest, I see how family is related to the Church and the Church to family.  The Church has helped us, but is unable to help us completely.  Thank God for what they could do!

Is this a plea for help?  Or is this an observation of someone in need maybe too proud to ask or to afraid of rejection?  It is probably both.  Some of you are subscribed to my blog and others aren’t.  I wish all my friends were subscribed to my blog.  Not just for this piece I am writing now, but for the instruction and writing that I have done to teach you the teachings of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

In conclusion, I fell asleep last night thinking on all these things.  I dreamt weird dreams, about raging rivers, and ragged rock faces, treacherous roads, and strangers hindering me.  I feel as though I am facing doom, but I know my Savior is near me and loves me, and will not let me down…..it’s just the process that really sucks!

In the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.  Amen.

My wife passed away July 29^th 2008.